Christ and the Church - My Experience, Stephanie Sears

I was raised during the 60's and my father, being an ex-military officer and very strict, raised we seven children as a ``well oiled machine'', with a heavy hand, many lengthy, repetitive lectures, and no Christ. In an environment of abuse and excess, that ``well-oiled'' machine began to rust and break down, and by the time I was sixteen, I both detested and was terrified of my father. My mother was kind, gentle and unbelievably forgiving. She realized early on that there was little she could do to change my dad or her circumstances, and fell deeper into her religious beliefs and superstitions.

The rebellious spirit of the 60's invaded my soul and I left home at 18, only to find myself in much more difficult circumstances. I returned home ashamed and even more estranged from my father. After several more years of bad decisions, family deaths and vain wanderings, I met my husband and settled down to raise our precious new baby daughter and help my husband run our business. Outwardly, I finally had it all...my own loving baby (and expecting another soon), a gentle, good hearted, devoted husband, our own home and a thriving business. But unbelievably, I saw only the problems and deficiencies and became increasingly more and more unsatisfied. We lived a good distance from the city and I felt isolated and alone most of the time. I began to fantasize about my husband, at his business, having relationships with other women friends, and even accused him of doing so. He was outraged and told me very firmly that my unreasonable jealousy and accusations were threatening our marriage. I was shocked. I knew he was right, but didn't know what to do about it. My childhood had been full of betrayals by people, especially my father, and I didn't know how to trust anyone.

I had always prayed to God, in my own way, and attribute His direct intervention on numerous occasions to preserving my human life. Before I had met and married my husband I had attempted suicide, abused both drugs and alcohol, and had lived a very careless life. Now, when I should finally be happy, I wasn't...something deep and satisfying was missing.

After our mother's very difficult battle with cancer and her eventual death, my brother met the Lord Jesus in a powerful and life altering way, and he began to search for ``a church''. We observed his searching with amusement and even, at times, with criticism and derision. He went from ``group'' to ``group'' which always ended with utter disappointment. I remember on one specific occasion he was very excited about a group who claimed to be Christians. They lived very good lives, grew their own organic foods, had strong family ties and were concerned about the environment. I was most cynical and asked him how he felt about the group's practice of bigamy. He was absolutely broken-hearted. He had had no idea! Another disappointing religious attempt at human worship was exposed! During this same time, I became increasingly desperate to find reality and peace for myself and told my husband that I was going to return to the denomination where I had been raised - the only place I knew to turn. My husband told me to do what I needed to do, but he was definitely not interested. He had always had a deep spiritual understanding of the Lord and knew the answer for him was not in formal religion. Suddenly, I noticed a real change in my brother. He had met some Christians who met solely on the basis of ``one city, one church''--a believer in that city is in the church in that city. I began to notice a deep sense of peace and truthfulness that permeated his being. ``This is it,'' he said, ``I know this is the real thing''. Something about his assurance, and especially his inward peace and joy, touched me. ``Maybe this was real'' I thought to myself. What could it hurt to listen and I agreed to go to a meeting with him?

By this time, our oldest daughter was a little over two and we had a precious baby boy of about 6 months. The children were my very life--I had never personally experienced a mother's self-sacrificing love before, although I knew I was inadequate. My human love, patience, and endurance wasn't enough. I was terrified that I would inflict the same torturous, Christless childhood like that I had endured on these two precious little ones. I was desperate for my children and our family. I had agreed to attend a meeting with my brother and prior to that Lord's Day morning, my brother and I had a little talk. I had always known, or believed, that I had a soul and used the term spirit and soul interchangeably. My brother explained that our soul and our spirit were separate. ``Your soul is your mind, emotion and your will'' he said, ``but your spirit is deeper. God made your spirit to receive and express Him--the very God who created the universe!'' My! No one had ever told me my soul was different than my spirit before! ``That's why in 1 Corinthians 15:45 it says that the last Adam became the life-giving spirit''! My brother exclaimed, ``When Jesus died on the cross, He became a life-giving Spirit to get into your spirit! That's why He died! Not just to forgive our sins, but to actually mingle His perfect Humanity and Divinity with us!'' I must admit, by this time, I was beginning to become a bit excited myself. ``WELL HOW DO I FIND OUT MORE? HOW DO I GET HIM INTO MY SPIRIT?'' I wanted to know, I wanted to join something and be part of this whole experience. ``You just need to call, Lord Jesus'', my brother said quietly. ``When you open and call, Lord Jesus, and ask the Lord to come into your spirit, He does!'' This sounded too simple. ``You mean that's it?'' I asked incredulously. I could do that, I thought. I could call on the Lord Jesus. I had always prayed silently to God all my life. I repeated the right prayers, attended all the religious holy days of obligation and even memorized the ``Act of Contrition''...but something in me resisted. Something didn't want me to open up and just simply call ``Lord Jesus'' with my brother right there at my kitchen table. Right now - Not tomorrow, not later, not after I thought about it. RIGHT NOW! Why? Why couldn't I call on the Lord? ``God's enemy, the devil doesn't want you to call on the Lord'' my brother said. ``Oh, Satan doesn't mind so much if you are involved with church activities or even doing good works, but he really doesn't like you to open your being and to call on Jesus, because when you do, you get the life-giving, all-inclusive, processed Triune God mingled with your spirit! It's like a cup of tea, once you put that tea bag into the cup of hot water, the tea mingles with the water and you can't separate it. That's what God does, that is what His will is for you, for all of us, to get mingled with God!''

It all suddenly made sense and I sure wasn't going to let the devil win on this one. I opened my mouth and shouted ``LORD JESUS, I LOVE YOU! Lord Jesus I open to You!'' I cried, ``Lord Jesus, come into me!'' Suddenly, we all began laughing and crying at the same time. Something so basic, so seemingly simple, but it was one of the hardest things I had ever done! We called and sang and prayed and I was filled with such peace and joy and knew finally, this was it. So simple, yet so profound! Jesus was real and I had a spirit to receive the Spirit!

I clearly remember attending my first meeting. Most of the brothers and sisters had gone to Anaheim to attend a Bible training and I remember sitting there with my brother, thinking and asking the Lord, ``Are these Your people? Is this the way You want Your believers to meet?'' Probably for the first time I can remember, I KNOW the Lord spoke to me and said ``Yes!'' These rather conservative, straight looking ones were His people meeting in oneness, opening to His Spirit to receive His dispensing to be built up together as His Body.

Since that life changing revelation, and over the years, my husband and I have endured many human living experiences, some even very tragic, and through them all, the Lord has been taking care of us through the Christian brothers and sisters, the called out ones, meeting on the ground of oneness in our locality. Very early in my church life experience, I recall being deeply touched when a sister called to see how I was doing and said ``Good Morning sister!'' Sister! She called me ``sister''! I was a member of God's family! This was my real family! And God is my real Father! The Lord Jesus said that the church is His Body and that He is building His Body and that the gates of Hades shall not prevail against it. I believe this fact with all my being: Christ is building His Church, through His pouring Himself into us. We must only drop our concepts and opinions and open to the reality and truth in His Word and the ministry.

I can testify to the great help I have received from the ministry of Watchman Nee and Witness Lee. These dear brothers, who have both now gone on to be with the Lord, were faithful to teach the Bible truth that the Lord only wants to dispense Himself into us. My experience has been that the more I have been filled with His Word and helped to understand it, the more the Lord has a way to spread into and transform my soul. When I drop my opinions and biases towards others, and open to Christ in the Church, the Lord is happy and I am satisfied. Hallelujah for Christ and the Church! I am thankful to my wonderful Lord Jesus and all His dear believers for their faithfulness through the years to just turn me to my spirit where there truly is Life, Peace, Hope and Joy and where He is building His Church!